I Tried a Little Tinder-ness

A few weeks ago, after a lot of protest, I gave in and joined Tinder.

Some of my  wariness stemmed from my “lack of greatness” with social network-y stuff. I’m not someone who enjoys constantly posting pictures and videos of my life and rarely even change my WhatsApp display picture. However that isn’t really an issue with Tinder and from what I had heard, wasn’t really what its users used it for – which was my main concern.

“Its not serious! It will be fun! This is what people do now. Our generation aren’t supposed to be funny about things like this! These young kids in school and college know how to generate thousands of followers on social media just like that *snaps fingers*! It’s our parents’ generation who are meant to be all “funny” when it comes to technology and the internet! Stop being silly and set yourself up before I do one for you using the pictures I have of you on my phone and start talking to people for you!”

“……….”  – was my protest.

So, I changed my first name on Facebook, set myself up and started swiping. Left. A lot! Lol. Boy, were the pickings slim for a girl with my taste, but swiping through the profiles was fun. There are some A* weirdos out there. Guys dressed as nuns, guys sleeping on trains, guys flexing in the gym, guys trying to be deep..  Then I saw him, swiped right and “bloop” it was match! Which was fun until I realised things were about to get real.

I had just set up my profile and swiped right, so to have a match already meant he was swiping too, so he was awake and was probably going to message me any second! Well it was actually a few minutes later. Thankfully happy hour earlier had not warn off so conversation flowed pretty easily, on my side most importantly. Numbers were exchanged a few days later and we met up after about a week.

It was a rainy, he chose the location, a south London cocktail bar, and luckily for me I arrived first so I could remove my head wrap, and hoodie, and be sitting seductively at the table when he arrived.

His profile pic was nice but in person I was impressed and did I mention he was French. He looked and smelt nice, his teeth were clean and he had a really good sense of humour. After a few hours, and several rounds, he asked if I was hungry as he was going home to cook something for dinner, I can’t remember what what now. I did the best version of quick thinking I could…. and agreed.

He’s a good chef and we both enjoyed his “meal”.

After, we watched S1 E1 of Power which I had spoken about earlier in the evening as he had heard of it but not started watching it yet before I called an uber and left.

We still talk but I have now deactivated my account.

Levels To Honesty

“Now if my tears don’t mean nothing don’t insult me with lies” – Jazmine Sullivan

 

As a child I was taught to always tell the truth no matter what.

So when I went to primary school I was totally baffled by the existence of ‘white lies’. How could not telling the truth be seen as OK?

Secondary school opened my eyes to lies by omission. Giving all the details except for the ones that actually matter. Or simply say nothing.

Self preservation was the main motive behind the majority of these lies – not wanting to get in trouble or simply avoid an uncomfortable situation.

But what about selfless lies?

I can hear my mum now -‘A lie is a lie’. But is truth always the best/right thing?

I have definitely noticed that the attitude towards lies and truths changed as I have grown up and the focus move from facts to feelings.

Watching ‘Reg*’ earlier, a BBC drama about the father of a fallen soldier and his political career following his son death in Iraq, a war now known to based on lies, and was touched when the character confessed that he had allowed his elderly mother to die believing his son was still alive. She died 6 months after his son but I just couldn’t decide whether he was right to do that. It was easy to argue that his action was both selfless and selfish. Later on in the episode he also lied to his grieving wife telling her that his son had not suffered and had been shot once in the head when in fact thirty bullets had been shot throughout his body. She later found out and in his defense he stated that he had told her what she wanted to hear.Which was true.*

Which leads me to my question – in any relationship how honest should you be? Should you be completely honest and transparent? Should you only divulge only what needs to be known? Should you keep hurtful truths secret to spare their feelings?

“You don’t tell people everything”.

Is this good advice?

And if so, what would you say falls into the ‘don’t tell’ category?

 

*

Caught Up In The Dream

Are you ignoring the obvious? Are you accelerating through the bright red stop sign? ? If so, you may be heading towards trouble.

The older you get the more you realise that life is every shade of grey ever made – even more so when it’s your life in the spotlight.

The black and white perspectives are reserved for concerned friends, parents who love you too much to bite their tongues and most commonly people who don’t know what they’re talking about.

I was recently asked my opinion regarding a guy in a family situation in the early stages of pursuing something with a single woman aware of his situation.

My first thought was that they are both adults aware of the each other’s relationship status and the decision was theirs.

New info: he’d admitted to “falling” when talking about his feelings for her thinking about their future, and had made it clear that he was years into a situation he had gotten into at a young age and wasn’t happy, he loved her but wasn’t in love and hadn’t been for sometime.

Ok, so why not do something about it? In my opinion he obviously wasn’t that unhappy and was just looking to ‘have his cake and eat it too’.

Background info: the two met almost two years ago while they were both on holiday and we all know that most moments on holiday automatically gets filed into ‘perfect’. Since then they’d been whatsapping and calling throughout the year until recently when he flew her out to him – Holiday 2. Which brings us up to date.

After a five day long date, long deep conversations, exploring two cities, trying new foods and other ‘thangs’, uninterrupted by the typical drags of life, he delivered his sales pitch and sold her the dream. And I can’t really blame her for being slightly more than halfway sold.

He had said and done all the right things but that didn’t change the fact that once he got off his plane he’d be back playing house with his family.

Say all of this I’m not placing all or even any of the blame on him. In fact I commend him on his honesty, transparency at this level is not very common in my opinion. And it takes two to tango.

My parting advise was to enjoy it for what it was but not let the ‘connection’ cloud the facts.

What advice would you give?